Lancelot's arrival
by yaoifangirlHolly
Summary: This is essentially my humourous recap of series 1 episode 5. If people like it I will do some more. Rated M for some swearing and sexual references. Sorry for all the Merlin/Lancelot, I got a bit carried away...


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin. The BBC do.**

**Story: My humorous recap of series 1 episode 5 – "Lancelot". If this proves to be popular I'll do some more recaps of episodes.**

So, the episode opens with our lovable Merlin, gaily picking mushrooms in the forest (and looking delicious himself in a loose red shirt).

CREATURE: *screech*

MERLIN: Shit, what is that?

The thing starts running and naturally Merlin breaks into a run himself to get away from yon beastie. He falls over, and appears to be about to become mythical beast chow (why don't you use your magic Merlin?) when a dashing stranger appears and begins slicing at it just as Merlin has closed his eyes in fear, though it looks scarily like his orgasm face?

The two run and hide, and miraculously the beast flies off. And I've just realised Merlin left his dear little wicker basket behind...

MERLIN: You saved my life. At last I know what it feels like to be the damsel in distress. I'm Merlin, by the way.

DASHING STRANGER: Lancelot.

*opening credits appear, giving the audience time to think about the appearance of Mr. Handsome-a-lot*

GAIUS: *checks out Lancelot's wound*

MERLIN: *checks out sweaty Lancelot*

The scene switches to where Uther is looking at a smoking village/kingdom with Arthur.

ARTHUR: *horror movie voice* It took no livestock...only people. It has a taste for human flesh.

UTHER: Okay, you've grossed me out enough now, son. Post sentries at the outlying villages. We must be ready.

Scene change. Lancelot and Merlin have just met, but are already having a heart to heart in Merlin's room. All we need now are fluffy pink cushions and the scene is complete...

LANCELOT: I've dreamed of coming here. I wanna be a knight so bad! *goes into a heartrending speech about it even though no one is listening cause he so damn hot we can't concentrate on his words*

MERLIN: Lancelot. They are going to love you. I know I do. I've seen you in action, you could shame the great Arthur himself, and he's pretty good in bed! But you – you've got the edge!

LANCELOT: You know Arthur? C-Could you maybe introduce me?

Scene moves over to where Arthur is calling one of his men a "jumped up dung beetle". He beats him easily, and confides to Merlin that no one seems to be good enough to be a knight. Luckily, Merlin happens to know someone...

ARTHUR: You, Merlin? *goes into long speech about how Merlin would never have what it takes to be a knight, but guess what? We're too busy checking him out...*

MERLIN: He's really good, honestly... (Boy, Merlin sure likes Lancelot a lot! He'll be getting himself a "I heart Lancelot" t shirt soon!)

ARTHUR: You forget the first code of Camelot – he's gotta be a nobleman!

MERLIN: Damn you people and your finicky rules!

Merlin enters, where Lancelot is waiting anxiously (bless his little chivalrous socks).

LANCELOT: Did you speak to him?

MERLIN: I spoke to him...and...he said he'd love to meet you! *happy smile*

LANCELOT: Thank you! Thank you!

(I swear these two are going to outdo Merlin and Arthur in terms of gayness soon!)

GAIUS: *ruining Merlin and Lancelot's honeymoon moment* You know that Lancelot has to be of noble blood, right?

MERLIN: Don't worry Lancelot, I won't let him make you unhappy!

Merlin and Lancelot proceed to have another heart to heart in Merlin's room.

MERLIN: I give you my word, whatever it takes, I will make this right. I love you. (that bit is totally verbatim, except for the last three words, yes Merlin is that gay!).

Anyway, Merlin goes off to Geoffrey of Monmouth's shindig (sorry if I spelt his name wrong) and uses his abracadabra to forge a seal of nobility for Lancelot. Then he uses his natural charisma to persuade Lancelot to go along with it.

The scene goes to Guinevere measuring Lancelot for his shiny knight outfit to impress Arthur.

GWEN: *measures Lancelot's inside leg alarmingly close to his *ahem* area*

LANCELOT: *clears throat to cover his growing erection* Thank you...Guinevere.

GWEN: Don't thank me, thank Merlin. Merlin would do anything for anyone. Merlin is amazing, he's just lovely. I think it's great that Merlin's got you this chance. We need men like you.

LANCELOT: You do?

GWEN: Well, not me personally. Camelot. Camelot needs knights. It's nice to meet you Lancelot. *gives him her hand to shake*

LANCELOT: *kisses it*

(God, I love this guy. The epitome of chivalry! He knows how to treat a woman like a lady.)

Merlin and Lancelot walk back to wherever they're going, and Lancelot tries to ask Merlin if he and Gwen are *awkward vague hand gestures* "You know?"

MERLIN: Er, no. I'm like, the gayest wizard in this place. Er, I mean servant. Servant.

At last, the time has come for Lancelot to prove his worth to Arthur (read this how you will). And he's stood with Gwen and Merlin, clutching his seal and looking like he's about to ask the guy out, not ask to train to be a knight.

ARTHUR: Lance-a-lot? Well, if that's your name, I must be shag-a-lot *snickers* You can start by cleaning out the stables.

LANCELOT: *confused face* Is that a euphemism, my lord?

MERLIN: Get in there Lance! *thumbs up*

Gaius being the smart old guy that he is figures things out, and proceeds to lecture Merlin, who responds with an epic teenager-like eye roll.

MERLIN: If you want to punish me for it, go ahead.

GAIUS: I never knew you were so keen to be punished Merlin, you masochist.

So, it's bright and shiny morning in Camelot, and Lancelot is giving his sword some care and attention (heehee!). Arthur just so happens to be walking by that way, and takes a fancy to fighting Lancelot with a wooden rod (boy, everyone loves this guy, don't they?)

ARTHUR: Come on, don't pretend you don't want to. Hell, if I were you, I'd want to.

LANCELOT: Okay, he's definitely coming onto me now...

ARTHUR: *does his patented twirl thing with his wrist*

CROWD: *watches as two very hot men fight with wooden sticks* (yeah, it's not something you see every day, is it?)

Anyway, Lancelot evidently impresses Arthur, who by the way, totally enjoyed that way too much, and lets him onto "basic training".

And so, the winged beast strikes again. Uther tells Arthur to be ready, and Gaius looks through his encyclopaedia of mythical monsters to try and figure out which one has taken a fancy to attacking Camelot this week.

Arthur gives his knights a "you need to be ready, my big tough men!" and they all beat their chests before departing.

LANCELOT: Is there anything I can do sire?

ARTHUR: Well, a blowjob would be nice, but I know what you're after, so I'll move your knight exam forward.

The next morning, Lancelot faces Arthur. Guinevere is doing her patented "hands together in front of face" gesture to signal worry, and she can't help herself, and briefly grabs Merlin's jacket as the two fight ("That brazen hussy!" I hear you cry). Lancelot falls to the ground, and plays dead, until Arthur is standing over him, then he uses his foot to trip Arthur over.

ARTHUR: On your knees! It's time for my blowjob, but I'll knight you first.

LANCELOT: Yay!

Lancelot is knighted by Uther, and the Camelot fangirl within me cheers as he says "Arise, Sir Lancelot. Knight of Camelot." Of course, we get a party to celebrate.

MORGANA: Who is this man? He seems to have come out of nowhere.

GWEN: Well, my lady, whilst you've been brushing your hair and having nightmares, he's been charming myself, Merlin, and Arthur.

The party begins, with Lancelot and Arthur flirting like no one's business. A brief scene switch shows Geoffrey of Monmouth realising the seal of nobility is fake (perhaps this is Arthurian equivalent of using a fake ID) with ominous music. Then it's back to the party! We see Gwen and Morgana come closer.

ARTHUR: Here's trouble. Tell me, do you think her...beautiful? *looking at Morgana*

LANCELOT: Yes sire, I do *looking at Gwen...or is it Merlin?*

ARTHUR: Yeah, I suppose she is *looking at Morgana who is now eating some kind of fruit in a manner that is a little too sexy for a family show*

Meanwhile, Merlin and Gwen are having a "let's compare our attractive friends" conversation of their own!

MERLIN: So, come on, if you had to, Arthur or Lancelot?

GWEN: But I don't have to, and I never will!

FANGIRLS: Damn straight! There's no way we're letting you have Arthur and Lancelot!

MERLIN: I know, I can't decide either. They're both too handsome.

ARTHUR: Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a toast, to our new recruit, and my new fuck buddy, Sir Lancelot!

LANCELOT: *flushed but happy expression*

The next morning, Merlin and Lancelot come down, FROM THE SAME BEDROOM!!!! with a hangover after a wild night of debauchery. Gaius gives them a magical hangover cure. The three of them are having a good laugh when some guards show up to arrest Lancelot. (Oh no!) They manhandle him out of the room.

MERLIN: Stop! Only I can touch him like that!

GAIUS: Merlin, do you care to explain what you were doing last night?

Old Geoffrey tells the court the seal is a fake. Lancelot's brown eyes are quite mournful as Uther tells him he's not worthy. They're all quite obsessed with this worthiness thing. Lancelot is manhandled off to the jail cells.

MERLIN: *goes to visit his boyfriend in the jail cell*

Gaius has FINALLY figured out what the creature is, though after the party we've practically forgotten there even was a creature.

GAIUS: Egads! It's a Griffin!

But whaddya know, as soon as Gaius realises what it is, it appears! How's that for convenient? Arthur and his rough'n'tough knights arrive but nothing seems to work against it. I notice at this point the knights have a really cool dragon picture on their shields. Why'd Uther lock up the slash dragon if he loves them enough to have them on his shields? Odd.

LANCELOT: *in his cell* What's happening?

Uh, yeah, like someone's just going to come over and fill you in, they're kinda busy Lancelot you numpty!

UTHER: I'm sure we'll get it next time.

GAIUS: I believe the creature is of magic.

UTHER: *screams like a little girl* Magic? *runs away*

ARTHUR: I think he's right, father.

UTHER: *fingers in ears* No, no, it's a creature of flesh and blood. Flesh and blood!

GAIUS: Magic is our only hope. It is your destiny Merlin.

MERLIN: I can't go up against that thing.

GAIUS: Your pretty prince will die if you don't. It's the only way.

MERLIN: Do you even care what happens to me? "Oh do this Merlin, do that Merlin, go and kill the Griffin, Merlin, and I'll just sit here and warm my feet by the fire!

GAIUS: Merlin! Stop angsting about your boyfriend being in jail and do something!

The scene changes to Arthur, who is jealous of Merlin's relationship with Lancelot obviously, because he goes to see Lancelot too.

ARTHUR: I should have known! But you fight like a knight! And I need...that is *cough cough* Camelot needs...

ARTHUR AND LANCELOT: *compare their fighting experience with the Griffin*

The two boys proceed to engage in a sweet angsty scene in which Arthur secretly releases Lancelot but can't let him ride with him to fight the creature.

Back in Gaius's crib, Gaius has found the good old "Bregdan anweald gafeluac", and Merlin has some time to practice this over and over. No pressure, though Camelot's fate depends on it.

Lancelot turns up at Gwen's place, asking for weapons and armour. He's still calling her "my lady", the charmer. She realises just how chivalrous he is (a bit slow, isn't she?). Lancelot's hair is doing this cute flicky thing too!

*heartrending Merlin music plays*

Merlin's still having a wee bit of trouble with that old spell. Gwen rushes in to tell him that Lancelot is riding out to kill the Griffin, so Merlin rushes off after his boyfriend, and insists he's going too.

The knights don't fare too well against the Griffin, though miraculously don't die.

ARTHUR: For Camelot!

Lancelot does a breathtaking move on his horse, then charges at the Griffin, with Merlin yelling enchantments after him. The Griffin is killed (sorry, I love this bit too much to mock it – what with the music and the knight and the magic, it's got it all!)

MERLIN: *incredulous happy laugh then sees Arthur waking and scarpers*

ARTHUR: Lancelot! You did it!

LANCELOT: Uh, yeah, I know.

Uther is pretty angry at his son! As per. Lancelot is ordered to wait outside, poor boy. But Merlin just happens to come along at the right moment. Again.

MERLIN: What are they doing?

LANCELOT: Deciding my fate.

Meanwhile, Uther and Arthur are having a blazing row.

ARTHUR: Surely his actions change things!

UTHER: His actions change nothing, he broke the code! The code is gospel!

ARTHUR: He served with honour.

UTHER: I can see you feel strong about this Arthur. (well, duh! Uther!)

ARTHUR: You must restore Lancelot to his rightful place God damnit!

UTHER: The code bends for no man!

ARTHUR: Oh shut up about the motherfucking code will ya?

Back outside, Merlin and Lancelot are getting a little antsy.

LANCELOT: I didn't kill the Griffin anyway, you did.

MERLIN: You're crazy *laughs nervously*

LANCELOT: I heard your little voodoo chant. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

So, Lancelot barges in, shaking off the guards who are trying to manhandle him yet again.

UTHER: Wait! I'll hear him.

ARTHUR: *sarky under his breath* Aw, gee, that's awful kind of you father.

LANCELOT: I've come to bid you farewell.

ARTHUR: What is this, Lancelot? *best confused face ever*

LANCELOT: I must start again, far from here. Then one day fate might grant me another chance to prove myself worthy... (again, with the worthiness?)

UTHER: *thinks, while his son has a moment with Lancelot*

ARTHUR: *saddest heartbroken expression ever as Lancelot leaves*

Morning again, and like Merlin and Arthur are probably also doing, Gwen is at the window, sighing wistfully as Lancelot rides away from Camelot.

MORGANA: *guesses* Lancelot?

GWEN: Oh! Yes.

MORGANA: Come, Gwen. Busy day ahead.

GWEN: Yes, my lady *thinking "Leave me alone you insensitive woman!"*

Merlin is stood at a turret thing, for some reason, Gaius is with him, as they too, watch Lancelot ride away.

MERLIN: Maybe I never should have gotten involved...

GAIUS: Oh, now, after everything that's happened, you say that? But no Merlin, Lancelot needed you, and you needed Lancelot. Your destinies were entwined.

SLASH DRAGON: *in the distance* Oh, that's so romantic!

MERLIN: Til, next time then, Sir Lancelot. That is, until the BBC decide to reintroduce you in another episode...


End file.
